Condoms

Condoms [Protection… B/c Emergencies Happen]
It’s a good idea to establish an emergency fund as an extra layer of protection between you and those assholes out there. Do you remember that one time, you know, when you had an emergency? Like the time when the condom broke? Then your girlfriend’s period didn’t come and you had a heart attack while driving to the store to buy Clearblue pregnancy tests? And once you get back home you wait anxiously for the happy ending like the climax of a Will Smith movie? Yeah. Fact is, life plans are like condoms… half the time you don’t use them, half the time they fail (math) – so that’s why you need a protection plan.

Dirty Little Action Steps:
1: Improve your savings: if you typically have $100 in savings, then let’s start by doubling that

2: Save up 1 month’s expenses (1 month’s expenses should include must pay bills, such as: rent, utilities, food, gas, car insurance, phone…). No clothing. No cable. No bull-shitty items.

3: Continue saving until you’re pretty damn comfortable, ideally with 3-6 months of living expenses

Dirty Little Secret:
No one likes using condoms, just like no one likes saving money for emergencies. I get it… I really do. But, this one is a no-brainer. An emergency fund will help you with an insurance deductible, loss of job, career change, car repair, etc.

Sexual Education Part I

Sex Ed Class Pt I [CEO Lessons]
Remember the Sexual Education assembly in your middle school gymnasium? Well, I do. Worst. Fucking. Assembly. Ever. Whether you’re talking about the birds and the bees or the P’s and the V’s, the purpose of sexual education is to know what the hell is going on here and why. If school never truly taught you how to budget, how to invest, or how to live your financial life, then we have some work to do.

Dirty Little Action Steps:
1: R.E.L.A.X.- whenever you’re overwhelmed with the complexities of your finances, it’s okay to relax and take a step back.

2: Goals Partner- Just like you turned to your friend to make jokes when you were uncomfortable at the assembly, it can be beneficial to have a goals partner – someone you can talk things through with.

Dirty Little Secret:
Remember, as the CEO, your job is to set goals and make slow, steady improvements. Unlike the bar down the road, you don’t just “get lucky” in finance. But, the good news is that you choose when you want your “financial magic” to happen because it starts with your everyday choices. And, it always has.

70’s Bush (Debt)

70’s Bush [Debt]
Are you fuckin’ kidding me? You have never heard of 70’s bush?! Do yourself a favor and google that shit (actually, you probably shouldn’t…). 70’s bush is what your debt looks like, pretty sweet huh? Times are changing and the world is evolving, so quit living in the past and quit being gross. Shave your pubes, cut your debt. Debt is a thing of the past, and so is your dick if it’s living in a rain forest.

Dirty Little Action Steps:
1: List all your debt (amount of debt + associated interest rate)

2: Look at your 70’s bush, just fucking look at it, we’re going to shave that off!

3: Create your debt payoff plan (math versus behavior…below)

4: Once it’s gone, your free cash flow is going up on a Tuesday

Dirty Little Secret:
If you’re a smart little fucker, then math shows that paying off your highest interest rate items first will save you money. If you have trouble paying off debt, then try the behavioral route and pay off your smallest debts first to gain momentum. Once you pay off one debt, then pay off the next smallest debt. Repeat, win. Don’t forget, it’s YOUR job to keep your bush trimmed. That. Shit. Wants. To. Grow. Back. Don’t. Let. It.

Baby Got Back

Baby Got Back [Love Your Assets]
Big, voluptuous, firm, and juicy asses are getting tons of attention online and in the modeling world. So, it’s safe to say that these asses are huge assets. When it comes to assets, liabilities, and cash flow – you need to get in the game and know what you’re working with as soon as possible! No, I don’t want you to post your ass or assets online…although I’m always excited to see pictures of firm, juicy assets. The goal here is to get your assets in shape.

Dirty Little Action Steps:
1: Once your budget is complete, you can determine free cash flow (income – expenses = free cash flow)

2: Give your free cash flow a JOB, and then it can go to WORK for Y.O.U.

3: Create SMART (Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Timed) goals for your cash flow. Examples may be related to paying off x, y, and z debts, increasing investments by x%, or saving 3-6 months of expenses as an emergency fund.

Dirty Little Secret:

  • Assets are things that have value and are beneficial to Y.O.U. (ie: cash, stocks, bonds, paid off car, paid off house…)
  • Liabilities [debts] are obligations that we owe money on (ie: credit card debt, car debt, taxes). The reason you don’t see school or mortgage debt in either category is because it can be argued that reasonable amounts of school debt and housing debt are not necessarily BAD. In general, we want to reduce our debt by putting our free cash flow to work.

Cash Flow is how much cash flows through your hands each month. Having a plan means that you will SEE the money, and then give it a JOB and put it to WORK for you. As you reduce your debt, your cash flow will likely increase (ie: credit card 1 had $1,000 balance, $50 min. payment. Once that is paid off, then you will have $50 per month to WORK for other JOBS).

Pop The Cherry (Just Start!)

Pop The Cherry [Starting A Budget]
Your first budget will probably feel really tight…and yeah, it’s okay to be a little afraid. The truth is, lots of us get caught up in the moment, stress out, and finish way too fast. Think about your budget like your first time having sex, your best bet is to start slow and ease into it. If all else fails, try just the tip. Slow and easy, baby.

Dirty Little Action Steps:
1: Track your current spending

2: Use your current spending habits to outline your first budget

3: Make small improvements over time (ie: reduce spending by 10% on ‘X’ budget category)

4: Repeatedly set goals to reduce spending and tighten your budget to a comfortable level

Dirty Little Secret:
Consider laying down a sheet to catch all the action, perhaps an Excel spreadsheet (that’s what I use, at least). Think of descriptive and meaningful financial goals, and the ‘WHY’ for your want to establish and follow a plan. Goals such as early retirement (how early), saving for college (how much, for who?), changing career fields (when? e-fund needs?), or buying a new house (where? when? down payment goal?) will provide a large motivational factor and help you stay on a successful path.

Blow Jobs (Budgets)

Everyone says I should start with a bang, but I’d honestly rather start with a Sexy Budget, mmm!

Blow Jobs [Are An Art, So Is Your Financial Life]
Blow jobs are 100% subjective – you get the idea of the complexity here. Just like blow jobs, your financial life and your budget are an art. No one knows what they like until they try a few different things – just like a budget! Stop going online to the 50/30/20% budget breakdowns, stop reading about 10% allocations for this, that, and the other, and start being the CEO of Y.O.U..

You are in charge of your life, needs, wants, goals, and cash flow. Figuring out what kind of blow job YOU want out of life is hugely important – today, tomorrow, this year, and for the rest of your life.

Dirty Little Action Steps:
1: THINK about it. What do you want? What will you regret not going after if tomorrow is your last? When you’re 70 and have your “Wall of Fame”, what will be the biggest accomplishment on your wall?

2: I encourage you to get crazy, step out of your comfort zone, and try to find the passion that is going to drive you to conquer your budget – because that passion does exist. You just need a better WHY.

3: Don’t think of a budget as a prison sentence, because it doesn’t constrict you. If followed, a budget will likely help you have MORE money to enjoy as you pursue your needs, wants, and goals.

Dirty Little Secret:
I like my blow jobs exactly how I like my budget updates – daily

Being CEO of Y.O.U.

Being CEO of Y.O.U.
Let’s take a 20-year snapshot of your life. In this example, you make $50,000 per year. Congratulations, you’re the CEO of Y.O.U…. You are in charge of a $1M, yes 1 fucking million dollar operation. If $1M doesn’t make your balls or pussy tingle, then feel around down there and make sure everything’s still functioning. Here’s the problem as the CEO, the only thing you know is the difference between a dick and a set of balls. So, it’s time to grab life by the pussy and make the CEO of Y.O.U. great again.

In order to do this, we must look at the bigger picture and develop achievable goals with meaningful action steps. Ultimately, this will help us set and improve our financial behavior and foundation. There is a lot to learn, but don’t worry, we’ll break down the categories so you don’t choke on them like a dick. But, just know that we have a lot to learn about ourselves and how everything works together here at Y.O.U. corporation.

Missionary (Overview Of The Basics):
-Behavior, Motivation, Needs, Wants, Goals
-Budgets (Assets, Liabilities, Free Cash Flow)
-Emergency Fund
-Work Benefits & Insurance
-Goal Planning
-Retirement & Investments

Will You Tell Me Where To Invest?
No. I don’t know when a specific stock or the stock market will go up or down, but I do know that it will go up and down. That’s why I want you to focus on what you can control – improving yourself and your actions. I’m teaching you the methods I’ve used because I know they will help you in the long run, if you stick with the plan. If and when the market drops (whether it’s 10% or another recession), there’s no need to panic. Instead, we’ll just keep focusing on self-improvement and our structured plan. If you can do this for 1 year then you’ll start to see and build your financial foundation. If you can do this for 30 years then you will give yourself the best opportunity to WIN. This process has helped me reduce stress, go after my passion in life, and increase my likelihood of an early retirement. A strong financial foundation is the best gift I’ve given myself and my future family – I’m excited to share it with you!